insecurity and prayer

Prayer is not my strong suit.  I hate to admit that, but its just not one the things that comes with ease to me. And you know what? I get insecure about it. I help out at youth group along with quite a few other 20 somethings, and during a group prayer I find myself comparing my prayer to other peoples. If I go first I am down because it feels like everyone else's prayer seems to "trump" mine. If I want to pray at any given point in the group prayer, I sometimes stop myself because I know my prayer will come out as less " godly" or "moving". And half of the time I am analyzing everyone and the passion in their voice or their choice of wording, I'm not fully there and I'm not honoring the fact that we are talking to GOD. What is up with that?

Why in the world would I compare my prayer to someone elses? We are all talking to the same God! Why do I allow myself to feel insecure, compare and feel like people will think that I fail at my prayer life. Just because I sometimes start off my prayers like:

 " Hey God, what's up? My day really sucked today! I just want you to know that I am really struggling with everything in life right now"

                                                     Verses

" Dear Heavely Father, thank you so much for your gracious mercies that appear new to me each and everymorning, thank you for the sufferings you supply me with that I may grow."

DOES NOT mean that I fail at my prayer life. It means I am being ME. It means I am being honest with God and I am not sugar coating anything with him, I mean he knows me inside and out already, why try and hide it?  I mean still pray with respect, but there is NO prayer vocabulary. There is no prayer model to follow, it comes from the heart. So why do I get insecure?? Who cares if other people's prayers get really affirming comments and reactions, as long as I am being REAL with God, I think that is enough. Now if I can just keep reminding myself of this.

Have faith like a child right?

New stages

    It has been awhile since I updated, so here I go...

I GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE!! ( Pictures to prove it!! )

<<<<< REAL Proof hahah

I took a week an a half off from everything to just chill and BE for a bit before I started "real life" at CarMax!! I think that was the best thing I could have done. I wish I would have taken MORE time to just be but, the 1.5 weeks was GREAT!! Andrew and I went to the beach 2 times and then went 4-wheeling, it was SO much fun!!

Well, Like I said above I now work at CarMax Coorprate Office! BIIIIG BIIIIIG Change for  me, and if I'm honest with you, one I don't love. Sitting at a "9-5" job in a cubical, calling people all day long, is NOT AT ALL my idea of fun. It is not me at all. I need a CREATIVE job. Something where I can express myself and talk to people and see color and LIFE!! I need creativity outside of the Doodling I do when I am on hold.
[ Below are pictures of my desk and my "hold doodles"]

Although, having a "real job" is not too bad. When you leave, you leave your work at work. I don't have homework or anything to study for, I just go to work, come home and VAWALA I can BE where I am.

If I am honest with you again, my attitude this week towards my job has been very poor. I think I am at the breaking point, where I SHOULD know what to do in 95% of the situations, but I'm more at the 75% mark and it makes me feel insecure and stupid. I have this HUGE fear of failure, that I won't be good enough, that I will let myself down and I will look bad infront of others! It has been eating me alive. And even though I have Philippians 4:11 ["Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content."] taped to my computer,
I find myself to be disatisfied. I am working on it, but like my job I feel like contentment has put me on hold. But I'll wait. I'm not saying it will be an easy "hold" but I need to once again re-adjust and find out who I am in my new world.