So, how many times do I have to fall???

     SO, Lately I have been seeing just how much I try and rely on myself and not on God. It's like I am way to confident in myself in the areas of life where I need the most help ( what direction do I go in? To do or not to do? ) and yet so insecure and totally NOT confident in the easy areas of life ( being okay with WHO God made me to be, looks, intelligence...). I wonder why that is. Sometimes I wonder if I make my life harder on purpose. Do I just need adventure and a sense of the unknown so bad that I play the parts I should not play and abandon the ones I am the leading roll?

     I sometimes find myself in this thought process of " I don't need your help God, this is an easy decision", and then I FAIL. Why is it that in the 22 years of life that I have already been given, I have not learned to LEAN on God for EVERYTHING? I know I am stubborn, but THIS stubborn?? Man.

    In biblical times people would travel so far, risk everything, for the chance to see Jesus, to touch him and to have him HEAL them. This came in a time where Jesus wasn't exactly the coolest kid on the block, and yet they risked everything for a chance to RELY FULLY on HIM. And then there is ME, I live in a time where Jesus has ALREADY died for ME, all I have to do is give up everything to Him with the previous KNOWLEDGE that He can, and already has saved my life, and yet most of the time I don't. WHY?? Who knows.

    All I know is that I need to get myself in line here. I find myself going to God whenever I "need" Him, or scratch that, whenever I THINK I need Him. Truth is I need him 24/7, and even more than that, but I choose when I think I need him. When things get tough and a too hard to bare for myself, THAT is when I start a "convenient" relationship with God, that goes something like this: " God I am so sorry that I screwed up again, but I am only human ya know? Can you please forgive me and help me to change my life, Thanks!!". And then of course I screw up again. But then comes those moments where God has allowed me to fall flat on my face, to get terrified, and then I FALL TO MY KNEES and start realizing that I NEED Him. It just blows my mind, how I can let something get so far before it clicks.

    Why do we let things get to a point where we start to feel guilt, shame, or anger? God has given us the chance to live a life that is pleasing to Him. He has given us a whole book with answers and yet we chose not to read it. This is not just another school text book that I had to buy and chose not to read ( because truthfully if I do not read it and fail a class, its not the end of the world ) but if I keep choosing not to pick up the book that contains the WORDS OF GOD, putting it bluntly, I'm an Idiot.